I was born from Source Light
I was born from Source light, a high vibration of love.
As I incarnated into my human body, that connection slowly ebbed away with time because, as a human, our goal here is to experience a variety of things, both good and bad, to help us grow at a soul level.
By the time you've lived a third or maybe a half of your lifetime, it may be hard to stay connected to your original light source and high vibration because you may have accumulated deep-seeded wounds and life experiences that have disconnected you from your true personality and authentic self.
Our main goals in life are to be nourished, feel safe and loved. If any of these truly fundamental needs were not fulfilled over your lifetime, your faith and trust in the Universe, in Life or in Others, may have faded.
What takes its place is a mask, there are many types of masks, but for our focus today let's talk about the People-pleasing Mask and the Wounded Self.
The process of developing this mask throughout our lifetime, and more specifically our childhood, was to ensure that we were safe and loved.
Maybe our parents were emotionally or physically absent. Maybe the family environment in which we lived was violent psychologically, emotionally or physically.
So, in order to control as much as possible, we became the perfect little girl
By making sure that we didn't disturb others
By making sure others’ needs were taken care of
By making sure that we didn’t take up too much space
By making sure that we didn’t demand or speak up when we had needs
Over time, we became ashamed that we could even consider that we might have needs.
Why do you ask?
Because if we tried to speak up about our needs that we might’ve had (beyond food, water, clothing and housing), we learnt that our parents didn't hear us – truly!
So, we just stayed small, dimmed our light, our true authentic self and became a people-pleaser - because it was so much easier to live that way.
Our wounds became so deep that triggers from others like criticism, anger, mood swings, inconsistent behavior like hot and cold emotions, etc., took control over our lives - and we were on alert all the time!
Our stress became unbearable!
The needs of others became unbearable to fulfil because they were never ending.
AND we didn't have time to take care of our own needs, frightened by the consequences.
Our own needs like taking showers, quiet time for self-care, expressing ourselves without fear of retribution… That stress may have led to poor self-care, overeating, drinking, negligent of our own physical exercise, etc.
So we hit a wall! At the end of our wits so to speak…
We become anxious and depressed, overweight, suffering from migraines and insomnia, and perhaps becoming ill.
We gave our power away to others - when deep within, we knew our truth, but it was safer.
We didn't have the confidence to stand up for ourselves. Until we do…
Some of us hit a wall early and some later. The rhythm is our own…But there will come a time for sure.
For me it came at the end of healing for my breast cancer, an illness developed 11 years into my marriage. Until I realized that I deserved to be treated how I treated others: with respect, with love, with tenderness, with care, with inclusiveness, compassion and empathy.
Then even when it didn't make sense, I listened to my little girl within who was absolutely miserable. I listened to my inner voice which had been sending me messages for the past five years that it was time to let go and move on...
Only until I truly listened to my needs, did I take action to love myself, invest in myself and start a new life. I knew it was up to me to make the changes in my life that would make me happy.
At that point, I knew that I had done everything in my power to make this relationship work, but it takes two. Yet I had always taken the blame for all the failings as that is the people pleaser’s way - it’s our reflex.
Until I realized that if I truly observed what I had done to contribute to the relationship, there was nothing left in me to give …that's the wall that we hit…
Until we do, we will always live in Hope that things can always change tomorrow, change later …then hours, turns into days, turns into weeks, turns into months and then years!
Soon we realize that we've wasted 15 years of our life and given up on our dreams…even though our thoughts and dreams were clearly communicated to our partner, it fell on deaf ears and we gave up hope that these dreams would ever materialize – so what's the point in dreaming!
So, we dim our light even more, until the day that we choose to say No -
Say No to all the drama
Say No to all the fear of rejection
Say No to the serving of the needs of others
Say No to abandoning ourselves in the process
Say No to becoming a puppet or marionette being controlled by others reactions, whims, plans and dreams
We are not here to fulfill the needs of others. We Are Born Free to be ourselves, fully and completely authentic.
So, here's the thing: We developed people-pleasing to make sure that we were safe and loved by our parents who might not have been mature enough to overcome their own wounds to care properly for their children.
As a child you tried to control your environment by serving others, to survive. You were most likely traumatized by parental behaviours because you didn't have the tools to manage and deal with grown up emotional needs.
So, isn't it time to take care of that little girl within you? To give her the space to be herself and allow her to dream big?!
If you listen to her, maybe you'll make decisions for yourself starting today…this could look like…
Saying no to your BFF who's always calling on you to dump her drama onto your shoulders
Saying no to your children
Saying no to your boss
Saying no to helping your parents clean out the garage this weekend and instead plan some activity that you've always wanted to do
Maybe it's time to have that difficult conversation with your partner to say that you're not happy and express what’s in your heart
AND INSTEAD start saying YES
Say Yes to listening to your inner voice
Say Yes to doing something you love
Say Yes to taking time for yourself
Say Yes to mommy time
Say Yes to having a weekend free from work
Say Yes to expressing your needs
Say Yes to setting boundaries that protect those needs
If you feel you can do this on your own, I applaud you - so go get it done!
But if you feel you need support and accountability from someone who truly knows what it's like to live like a people-pleaser, reach out to me and let's chat and start making a plan to make this happen!
If you enjoyed this article, I invite you to join my free Facebook community called Becoming Your Authentic Self to get more tips and support as a recovering (or soon-to-be) people-pleaser.