Forgiveness means different things to different people
Anyone who has suffered a grievous hurt knows that when our inner world is badly disrupted, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than our turmoil or pain.
Sometimes the hurt is very deep, such as when a spouse or a parent betrays our trust, or when we are victims of crime, or when we’ve been harshly bullied.
When we hold on to hurt, you are emotionally and mentally affected and your relationships suffer.
When another person hurts you, it can upend your life…and these wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness — even vengeance.
The good news is that forgiveness is strong medicine for this. When life hits us hard, there is nothing as effective as forgiveness for healing deep wounds.
Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means—and they may steer clear of it.
Others may want to forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can.
Forgiveness means different things to different people. Generally, however, it involves a decision to let go of resentment, bitterness and thoughts of revenge.
Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily; but it is possible for many of us to achieve, if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.
Here’s the thing:
The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help free you from the control of the person who harmed you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm.
Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.
Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind and can lead to:
Healthier relationships
Improved mental health
Less anxiety, stress and hostility
Lower blood pressure
Fewer symptoms of depression
A stronger immune system
Improved heart health
Improved self-esteem
How do I learn to forgive?
Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:
Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what
Consider seeking coaching and support
Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affected your behavior, and work to release them
Choose to forgive the person who's offended you
Move away from your role as victim and release the power the offending person and situation have had in your life
Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?
If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however.
Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.
However, what matters most is what you say in your heart space, and even if someone is deceased or estranged, you can send them forgiveness anyways and it relieves the burden on you.
What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?
Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness.
Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing.
Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life, either dead or alive.
What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?
The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly.
If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and ask for forgiveness — without making excuses.
Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you.
Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.
If you enjoyed this article, invite you to join my free Facebook community called Becoming Your Authentic Self to get more tips and support as a recovering (or soon-to-be) people-pleaser.
