Living without Personal Boundaries: What does that look like?
2020 was rough on all of us across the globe, but apparently, I was still up for some harder lessons in 2021.
Earlier this year, my dear mom slipped and fell down her stairs at home in the wintertime. Luckily enough, she was able to call her neighbour to help her back into the house as she suspected she had broken her ankle.
I got a call from her neighbour to tell me about her fall. After letting out a little expletive, I rushed over to her home. Seeing my mom lying on the ground, against the wall, pale as a ghost, completely in shock, my little girl jumped into action to take care of her mommy.
After the ambulance had rushed her off to the ER, I remained at her home under covid restrictions.
Then and there, without even the smallest of considerations of my needs or conversations with my mother, I started my plan of moving myself and my two dogs over to her house to care for her after her ankle surgery.
She remained incapacitated for over two and a half months.
During this time, I gave up my time and my independence to care for her, to wash her hair, to do her laundry, cooking and groceries and manage the house.
I had completely pushed my needs to the side.
My life wasn't my own – driving her to the doctors and physio appointments and taking care of the household chores, I juggled my time with her, my dogs and what little was left over, on my new online business and clients.
In the first moments after she returned from the hospital, there had been no conversation about what my mother wanted to do. We never discussed if she'd wanted to go to rehab or what her options were.
AND I never checked in with myself to feel if I was actually capable of caring for my mom physically, emotionally, psychologically, and energetically.
Instead, I took away my mother’s power and decided that what was best for her was for me to move in with her. I didn't even flinch - I jumped in with 2 feet!
This is a person without boundaries with her mother.
I lived with her for over 3 months.
With each passing day, I became more and more resentful because, not only was I mad at her for falling down some rickety, icy stairs, but I was also very angry with myself for not choosing me and realizing what my needs were. Moving back in as a middle-aged woman with her 75-year-old mother, has multiple challenges!
BUT I still hadn't quite learned my lesson yet. (I’m kinda hard headed).
So then 2 months later, I repeated a similar story, but this time with my sister, who left her toxic marriage. Over the summer months, I helped her rebuild her new life from scratch.
By August 1st 2021 I was utterly and completely burnt out psychologically, emotionally, energetically, physically, and spiritually.
I could hardly even walk my own dogs. Now, many weeks later I am starting to regain my vitality. Slowly.
It took me almost half of the year of caring more for others than myself and it literally knocked me off my feet!
“then one day
she just decided she would live
for herself,
and not for others,
and nobody
had the power
to make her miserable
ever again” – Marc Anthony
As a child or young adult, maybe you would mindlessly go along with family or friends’ plans even if it felt uncomfortable or you really didn't want to.
Maybe you didn't even take the time to tune in to feel what was being asked of you, if it was aligned with your morals, your time, or your needs. Maybe you were taught that to be a good person, you took care of others, even at your own personal expense (health, wealth, time, etc.)
Here's the thing...It's okay if you say no and inconvenience people. People don't have to like you...even family.
More importantly, you are more than a caretaker!
Let me tell you, I’m getting that now…
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